Atomic Brando goes Beyond Belief

Evidence of Things Unseen

dervish_at_the_door

Sometimes, in my mind, when I let myself think about it, I’m terrified looking at my heart splashed out here on the Interwebs on this blog and other places. That is the best sign I am on the right track to know my Self I feel. Turn over every stone. My ego says delete that ASAP after writing less and less. My words stand as they came. Just like my bad choices and their consequences in my life stand, so do the good and great ones. Deciding to express myself creatively, actively and foolishly examining everything inside and around me, has brought me so much Joy and peace, I wouldn’t go back to my old self or life on my worst day. Being exposed and known for what you are, warts and all, is terrifying in the best way. I kind of love it now.

So, tip of the hat to all who can muster the courage to expose themselves with no hope of acknowledgement or agreement. Writing from love and the heart for no gain but to bring your Light and Love into the world does something to you. It does. It frees you from your self and the opinions of others. You have to stand alone sometimes. Terrifying to a monkey brain, but evolutionarily required it seems. I fear someone is going to come and get me sometimes. I’m good with crazy. Crazy is fun to read, right?  I just don’t want to be boring or too pedantic, but boring is good sometimes too.

Exploring the spirit in our culture unfortunately is not encouraged. You are encouraged to belong. The Ancient Mysteries used to be supported by the Greek and Roman state, now we are so driven by profit and corrupt, they would never support a spiritual school all attend. Only the wealthy or ones who can be used seem to be taught how to reason properly in their ivory towers. Only they have been trained great at thinking about how to rape the world and keep their foot on our necks. Is our society only valuable to a few people at the top? You will be isolated and removed like a virus if you rock things, unless you are part of the cure. I come from an Evangelical background. You don’t go looking into all religions from where I come from. Unfortunately, my heart and poems seem to have cost me access to my family and old friends. I have spent this last year writing as I felt inspired. I have been a square peg in a round hole my whole life. It sucks sometimes. It sucks to be so misunderstood. People I thought who would embrace me, just walked the other way.

So, to the reason I wrote this essay. Well, my writing and poems terrified my family to the point they will not let me see my Mother’s or Sister’s families. I just tell them I Love them and I do, so much. I stay out of their face. I’m no martyr, nor have a desire to be so. I want to celebrate and explore being alive here, now. I leave much unsaid, but what bubbles out is the expression of the life force poured into me from some other place. The personal rejection for sharing my heart hurt like hell in the beginning, which was a lesson. I guess that is a common Religious tactic for those who leave the fold, isolate and discredit them and finally torpedo their ship until its sunk. Interesting to experience it.

I encourage all to find and share their voices in spite of rejection, personal and professional. Hold your course and focus. Check your course often though. We need help sometimes. Weather the storms best you can until you find a good place to tie your boat to.  Where I led the way before in my family, now I am persona non-grata for asking questions and sharing answers no one I know from my past wants to hear or see. I stay away and do not seek to agitate. I only hoped for a detente or a live and let live. There is no argument with my family from my side. Funny, everyone was fine with me living messing my life and others’ up for 20 years, but to awaken and write about a peace I have never known is the terrifying part that has branded me with a scarlet letter with friends and family. There is a great lesson there for me and evidence of the things unseen I know and feel. It is an excellent confirmation I am on to something here.

Whaaaaaaa me. I’m the dumb dumb who didn’t keep his lips hermetically sealed. I’m exploring here and remembering my Self. I move with no thinking in the creative place as much as I can. It’s messy and not calculated. I am as far from calculated as you can be. The spirit encourages me to be sincere and open with my heart every place I go and with every person I meet now and pursue when led. Be quiet most of the time. I write to my Self.  I am sharing the email from my Sister below that clarified their position. She never reads anything I write, so no problem posting it 😉 I had asked to restore contact. They had read my email until the point they disagreed and then I got this email below. I am not looking for sympathy. I’m a big boy, but I felt led to share it. Not to shame, but explore the thinking that separates people and families. This is the mind set you face sometimes in Religion. Its a lot easier for you start out believing nothing with no faith maybe when starting to explore thyself.

I feel anyone can find themselves anywhere they are, so I could care less what you are or call you self. I am a student of the Universe. I have no creed but Love. I listen to all and follow none. I only encourage people to be real and love first and judge…never. I know I am on the right track for me. I am responsible for my self and my actions. Perhaps my sister and I will laugh about this one day. But I accept that they may never be able to accept my presence in their life again like they did. That makes me sad, but there is much to learn through this. Then I remember all have to walk their own path. We are all students. But, to this day, I can’t understand how they never asked me one question about what happened to me. Not one. They only told me I was cursed and lost. As my life blossoms like never before they condemn me. I know the lesson there. I’ll tell you a secret, no, that’s what got me in trouble in the first place. See, I’m learning 😉 It goes slowly.

Listen bro,

XXXX just read some of what you wrote. For real. XXXX, you are NOT Jesus. Period.

I wonder if your awareness of “Self”/let you see into the future let you see your family waving good bye and weeping over you.

Keep Denying your first love, keep disrespecting our only true God. I’ll be sad to say good bye at the parting of ways. Sad.

You are not all seeing, you are not God. You are not I AM. You are not. You are LOST.

YOU are a false prophet. A self centered false prophet.

You, unfortunately, will not have any contact with our family nor our children while you are in this state.

Much of this is like sweet nectar. It also is evidence of things unseen. There you have it. Well, I understand their reaction. I do. I love them so much, but I love my self most. Yes, I am totally Self centered. I’m going to print this one out huge to remind myself never to judge another’s sincere personal exploration, ever. I wish you well with yours.

I wanted to share a great poem provided me in a dark time by Rumi. I will always be a witness of and share the Love Rumi writes of so beautifully and humanly.

Dervish At the Door – By Rumi

A dervish knocked at a house
to ask for a piece of dry bread,
or moist, it didn’t matter.

“This is not a bakery,” said the owner.

“Might you have a bit of gristle then?”

“Does this look like a butchershop?”

“A little flour?”

“Do you hear a grinding stone?”

“Some water?”

“This is not a well.”

Whatever the dervish asked for,
the man made some tired joke
and refused to give him anything.

Finally the dervish ran in the house,
lifted his robe, and squatted
as though to take a shit.

“Hey, hey!”

“Quiet, you sad man. A deserted place
is a fine spot to relieve oneself,
and since there’s no living thing here,
or means of living, it needs fertilizing.”

The dervish began his own list of questions and answers.

“What kind of bird are you? Not a falcon,
trained for the royal hand. Not a peacock,
painted with everyone’s eyes. Not a parrot,
that talks for sugar cubes. Not a nightingale,
that sings like someone in love.

Not a hoopoe bringing messages to Solomon,
or a stork that builds on a cliffside.

What exactly do you do?
You are no known species.

You haggle and make jokes
to keep what you own for yourself.

You have forgotten the One
who doesn’t care about ownership,
who doesn’t try to turn a profit
from every human exchange.”

Peace from a lost false prophet.

The Walk

wirewalking

Warning! Spoilers ahead!

I am terrified of heights, terrified, always have been. I can fly in a plane just fine, but get me up above a foot stool and my stomach falls out. Now isn’t that interesting. I can trust a plane more than a ladder. Doesn’t it seem to always come down to trust. What do you trust? What do I trust? Anyway, as I was thinking about this recently, I saw this new movie “The Walk” was coming out soon. Seemed an interesting story, it is about Philippe Petit who wire walked across the World Trade center towers. I was NOT going to see it!

I had told myself, I will NEVER see that movie. How could I? Slowly as the release date approached and I caught myself sweating about it. I was literally sweating over the anxiety that the movie represented to me, the one I was NEVER going to see. This is the interesting part, I realized, in the moment, these were some of the most intense feelings I have ever felt. Over a movie about a wire walker I was NEVER going to see? Well, this piqued my interest as I meditated about it and I determined, I must see this movie if it can already evoke such an emotional response in me. I can always shut my eyes at the hard parts. I decided to do this right, I had to see it in IMAX 3D, go big or go home is my credo.

The movie opened with, “A true story.” We shall see I told myself, but I liked the bold statement. As my girlfriend and I started to watch, a particular part of my anatomy began to shrink, quickly. It isn’t what you think and I began to cling to her, like a little child. My stomach disappeared, which was a problem, because I was eating popcorn. I told myself that when we get to the hard part, remember, you can shut your eyes. Unfortunately, as the movie progressed, I began to understand Philippe and the purity of his heart and quest. It was profound to me and very serendipitous, a common theme in my life as of late. To walk the tight rope of life.

As the story unfolded I saw that there was no compromise in this man. He represented iron will and fear contained. He was scared, terrified, but he set his heart on the most impossible thing, not for fame, but out of pure creativity and joy of the moment. This is a man to know and a heart, that I began to feel, reflects the best we can be. Yes, it was a magical alchemical act and moment of awareness. He did it in front of the world that gave it even more power. He transcended the system and his limits through his joy!

As the inevitable coming moments looking over the edge of oblivion were joyously foreshadowed, my fear began to multiply, by a quintilbillion(I made that number up, but you get the idea). Looking over the edge of the world trade tower in IMAX 3D, what was I thinking?! I told my girlfriend, we might have to leave. After I let these wimpy words leave my mouth and I lost all pride, something in me stirred. You owe his courage to watch with your “Eyes Wide Open”. Clear as that. So I did what Philippe was doing on the screen.

I stopped thinking
I focused on my breath
I was in the moment

And then…

I had no fear
My eyes were wide open
Looking down on the scene above
I felt like I was right there with him
He laid down on the wire and looked up

I watched his ENTIRE walk, oh no, not once, but over 4 times he walked that wire! For me, this was a perfect still moment. I imagined I felt it as he did in that moment. I was transformed and transported in that moment. It was an expression of complete trust on his part. That is the lesson I took from it. He had no faith, just iron will based on trust. There are teaching moments in our lives. Every moment of our lives can teach us something if we but open our eyes to see the motivations behind our emotions and actions. There is always a root cause somewhere. Tracing those threads in our lives and discovering what they have to teach is the work we must do on our own.

There was a great deal of hidden esoteric symbolism in the movie as well. I thought it was very interesting that I could see it and that it was placed there for a reason. I am inspired by Christ and all the teachers presenting themselves to me past, present and future. I am encouraged in my quest to find and be Divine Love. Thank you for pushing me to face my fears. I encourage you to face those fears down one by one in your life until you find nothing holding you back from your Golden Dawn.

Life should be lived on the edge of life. You have to exercise rebellion: to refuse to tape yourself to rules, to refuse your own success, to refuse to repeat yourself, to see every day, every year, every idea as a true challenge – and then you are going to live your life on a tightrope.” – Philippe Petit

At the Gate Of Humility – T

image

“Only a person who has passed through the gate of humility can ascend to the heights of the spirit.”

To all of those who helped me on my journey
What can I say
I will repay my debt to you with my open arms
I will fan the flames of truth wherever I see them
I will love with abandon
I will give all I have
I will never turn away one who seeks the truth
My life for them
My life for you
See with my eyes
See your son’s broken heart mended anew

I am naked before the world
I am a foolish man
I have fallen for the oldest tricks
Who can I trust
No one
You can only trust in what is within
I always doubted my voice
I was always pushed away or out
I always asked too many questions
I let myself and others down following my lusts and passions
I lived in fear for my very soul
Then, at the right times, seeds were planted
Embers flamed
And I found myself at the Gate of Humility
Many hands pulled me forward
Doubts melting away
Shedding fear
And feeling boundless love
I found something so true and so precious
I wish I could shoot my heart upon the world
So all could taste of the sweet truth singing in my blood

I see a great darkness creeping at the fringes of our world
An ancient foe
How can we contain such darkness
Only with the cleansing purifying fire of the light
You must be righteous and true to walk this path
There is no room for the old ways
If I don’t let it shine
Who will
You
Please, come and throw your life into the only
Fight that matters

It is time to rise and shuck off the shackles of ignorance
It is time to love your brother
It is time to resist in love
It is time to learn what you truly are

I am on the edge of a new dawn
It makes me laugh with joy to see and know myself
I look over my shoulder
With the wonder of a child
How can this be real
Because this is destiny

I am no one
Damaged goods
I make people uncomfortable
I delight in tipping them over
I try to show them the absurdity of life with no spirit
I have such raw power flailing out of me

I heard a voice singing in my soul

I saw how beautiful I was
I saw how amazing and unique I was in all the Universe
Perhaps I am the only real person in the Universe
I created all of you to share this with me
I love you
This is the way I feel about the world
I feel a stillness rising
I feel the warmth of the sun
I see the hummingbirds enjoying their nectar
From my chair
The soft sweet breeze blowing
I feel connected in new ways
The nano fibers of my being begin to connect
I feel myself expanding across the dimensions
I feel time speeding up
I see things I can never explain
Is that not evidence enough

I confess my need for something more than myself
I walk with no faith or belief
I begin to rise and move without knowing
Where will this path lead
I wish you well on your journey
I can not help but share my foolish words with the world

If you are at the end of yourself
You are closer to the truth than ever in your life
What a dumb thing to give up now
I’m telling you from one who knows
Press on and push through
Start your heroes journey
Seek in love of all
And you will find your way

Image, At the Gates Of Humility – Shane Booth

Confessions, No. 2

Let’s put it on the table
I’m not quite sure what I’m doing and it’s wonderful

No planning
No fear
No hope
No doubts

Just calm resolute splendor

Here with you now
Friends what shall we talk about
I want to hear your stories and tell you mine
I want you to feel the wonder of yourself
You are so beautiful in your longing and sadness

To have awareness of trillions of cells in your body
And a little of how they function
To have awareness of trillions of stars in the Universe
And know our place in it
To see the atom split
And feel the cool wind blowing
To learn we live in a Hologram
And not lose my faith
To find the craziest people on Earth
And gladly join my loneliness with the jokers
To be interconnected to all in mind
And take the time to stand apart
To realize we did have a Savior
And he is alive in me

I stand on a plain with my elders
We stand at the four corners
In an open field on the prairie
The sky is split in two as are we
Half view to eternity
I see that I am running with all the others
From the beginning of time
We fell so far
All we can do is offer our humble lessons

I am no one special
I could be driven by madness or…
But I understand the Universe
I know myself
I have made others take notice
I will not be silenced or denied
The awareness aligns you with another world beneath the world
I went searching in deep holes trying to redefine myself
What I found is erupting out of me
No doubts
Just awareness expanding
I can tell truth from lie

I want nothing from you
I care not for fame or riches
I see myself in the lead
The great wave collapse is coming
You can’t hide
What you are will be seen by all
No more masks
No more deception

How do I know these things?

Because I am awake and alive
These were things I needed for this time
I do not stand alone
I claim the Universe
I bequeath it to all that Love

I’d say I found my answer
It is in all of you
I will start a new journey soon
One of Divine purpose
What more purpose is there but to serve creation
We need to change
Just leave behind your fear and follow
Seek the light and voice inside and prepare yourselves
Whatever comes I will meet it walking with My Beloved
On the road to eternity
Ready to give my life that we can know
In a planck second take my life if it pleases you
I am awash in a Love dancing up and down my spine
Tesla’s vision made flesh
I can shape it and mold it in the creative place
I can manifest the most horrible nightmares
Or heavenly splendor
Turn away and twiddle with meaningless words
Find your voice and roar
When more of your day is focused within yourself
You have a clue

Listen and you will know

Confessions, No. 1

Something wonderful has happened to me
I had an idea what I would find when I started this journey
I can not help but share my desire that you awake
I learned my fear was the source of my suffering
I was so sure I had the truth but I was afraid
I meet new and old friends at every turn
I can not trace my steps for you
I am seeing behind the stars
I have such a Joy bubbling
I am renewed and reborn
I can show you the water
I have new eyes
I feel boundless
I am a madman
This is destiny’s road
I wonder what comes next